You’re Not Broken, You’re Tangled
Welcome to the Journey…
I consider good therapy as learning about one’s habits of thought, feeling and behaviour. This is often an exploration of the particular ways we get stuck, and gathering insights about how to do things differently. My therapeutic approach isn’t about ‘fixing you’ as a single, broken person. It’s more about ‘untangling you’ from the patterns you no longer need.
There are many ways to approach these tangles, one of my favourites is Internal Family Systems (IFS). Using an IFS-based approach we view ourselves as far more than a single (broken) self or ego, but a collection of parts, each with their own motivations, fears, and needs. Internal Family Systems is a powerful, evidence-based therapy model that says ‘you’re not crazy, you’re not broken; but you are a complex and layered human being who is likely in conflict with themselves’.
These parts of us are often desperately (and ineffectively) trying to protect us from pain. Sometimes this is done by avoiding threatening experiences, by holding onto patterns that feel safe, by building our whole identity on limited aspects of our lives. In reality, we are more than our past experiences, more than our coping styles and the roles we inhabit. Yet, in times of stress we often behave in ways that are fragmented and confusing, even to ourselves.
Why You Feel Conflicted
Let’s say a part of you wants to speak up in a relationship, while another part is terrified to try. Or maybe one part of you is ready to leave your job, and another insists you stay for security. That annoying and sometimes painful feeling of push-pull? That’s not simply indecisiveness, it’s an internal conflict between parts of yourself, each with different agendas and needs.
Imagine your mind as a discussion with many voices/perspectives, rather than a single monologue. This could include parts that take on different roles or identities, such as being:
a Perfectionist, a part that strives to keep standards high and to avoid failure (often at any cost)
an Inner Critic, a part that often tries to motivate you by shaming you into action
an Avoider, a part that needs to run from discomfort, because you’re exhausted and can’t keep going
a People-Pleaser, a part that works to avoid conflict at all costs
an Exile, a part that is often deeply buried inside, and in need of care and tenderness; like a hidden, hurting child inside you.
All these parts have evolved to protect you, even the harshest, most intense ones. They got stuck in extreme roles because there is (or was) an extreme need to deal with, like someone or something that felt extreme and caused a need for protection.
Rather than working to remove or get rid of these parts, IFS guides us to honour and make friends with these parts, to turn towards these versions of ourselves with gratitude rather than judgement. They aren’t things to “fix”, but to incorporate and harmonize with.
Self-Energy: The ‘You’ Beyond the Inner Conflicts
IFS suggests there is a core Self, the mindful version of you that lives calmly, patiently inside you at all times. This core Self is the conductor of a large orchestra; it doesn’t need to run, to hide or to fight in a crisis. This Self is naturally compassionate and loving; when your core Self leads, healing and harmony happens easily.
From this IFS perspective, therapy isn’t about silencing these other parts of ourselves. It’s about listening to them, helping them trust the Self, and eventually unburdening these parts so they don’t have to stay locked into ways of living that don’t work for you anymore. Over time, we begin to trust that we can be our own best healer by being curious about ourselves, rather than being critical.
A quick summary:
You’re not ‘one self’ with a single narrative
You are a system of parts, each trying to protect you in its own way
Deep inside you is a core Self, which is calm, compassionate, and wise
This wise Self is always there, within you (yes, even under those fiery inner critics or procrastinating doom-scrolling parts)
Accepting and befriending these parts or aspects of your personality leads to freedom from the past, freedom from uncomfortable habits and more energy overall
